


Decomposition

by snowhoe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (brief intermission however), Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Introspection, M/M, Time Skips, in the second half
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29602857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowhoe/pseuds/snowhoe
Summary: These thoughts were eating him alive. His heart, his spine, his feet. They were rotting and they were eating and they were falling and Hajime could feel Oikawa through his shirt. Something was happening and it wasn’t the pressure of going away to university. It had to be much bigger than that.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Decomposition

**Author's Note:**

> I made a playlist for this fic, [i want to throw up.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5OmJC4nFvmX34TzXnObDLC?si=beca4446add84ef6%22%22) I do, in fact, want to throw up by the way.

Oikawa Tooru thought too much. Hajime knew this, at times he would do anything to make it stop. He could see that Oikawa’s brain was eating him alive. It disturbed him. It really, greatly disturbed him because Hajime wasn’t that type of person. 

Generally, he functioned on his instinct and his set of morals. That was all he needed to get by, and it worked. He wasn’t complicated. Oikawa was. 

There were times throughout their lives together where Oikawa would disappear. There one second, hurling a witty remark or flashing a charming smile, gone the next. Most of the time, Hajime assumed he was in his room so he would go over, but it didn’t matter if he was there or not, Oikawa’s mom sent him home anyways. She would pat Hajime on the head with a pitiful smile and said, “Tooru’s not home right now.”

That was probably bullshit, but he would never disrespect her, instead opting to go back home or walk to the school gym just to make sure. Oikawa never did go to the gym.

It pissed Hajime off when Oikawa did this. He would buzz around Hajime, in his orbit but completely avoiding him, and that’s what he would become. A bee that Hajime couldn’t see, but always could hear, and a complete nuisance. 

School would be hell. Hajime couldn’t concentrate knowing that Oikawa was hurting and wasn’t talking about it. Whatever it was that made Oikawa do this, it was big and it was probably breaking him. Eating him like a parasite. So it was no wonder that Hajime couldn’t concentrate. When the bell for lunch would ring, he’d finally get some relief not having to force himself to focus, but then he’d remember that Oikawa was avoiding him. They wouldn’t get to discuss strategies over bento or kick each other under their desks or get made fun of by Mattsun and Makki. It was _bullshit._

By the time Oikawa was over it or whatever he felt once he was back to normal, Hajime was angry. Oikawa would pretend as if nothing happened, saying that he “needed time to think,” and that would be it. He never once would tell Hajime what it was about. It took about another month for things to get back to normal between them, because that was about the time it took Hajime to forget about it.

It didn’t happen often, though. If it did, Hajime would kick Oikawa’s ass and make him talk more, or just stop being his friend altogether. Probably. He told himself he’d do the latter one time after Oikawa did it again, but he didn’t. Hajime was stupidly drawn to Oikawa like everybody else was. A bee to pollen. A leech to flesh.

Luckily Oikawa only went into this funk four times that Hajime could recall. It’s happened twice in the past two years, though. A year and a half ago Oikawa didn’t talk to Hajime for a week. It was so bad that the team had to intervene, which was...embarrassing. Makki called it a lover’s spat. Hajime flushed.

He didn’t even know what was going on then, so it’s not like he was the problem. Oikawa was the problem. The coach kicked them out and made them talk into the locker room. They could come out when they worked through whatever this was. 

Strangely, it took about five seconds to work it out. Hajime said, “Look, you have to—”

“Sorry, Iwa-chan. I know,” Oikawa interrupted. “I’ve figured it all out now, we’re good.” 

That was incredibly cryptic, Hajime remembered thinking. It was fake. He wanted to hold Oikawa’s head between his thumb and index finger and squish it. The visual of that was so nice that he didn’t realize Oikawa was opening the door to announce that they were good. Hajime’s “wait” got drowned out by that peppy voice, by Oikawa saying, “My Iwa-chan and I have officially resolved it! Let’s practice now. 

Everyone noticed Hajime spiking the balls a bit too hard, but they didn’t comment because at least Oikawa was talking to him now. Hajime was much easier to deal with than Oikawa, after all. He was the safer bet, was the unbreakable one. 

Sure, he was unbreakable then, but he was feeling pretty shattered now. That week was the longest Oikawa had ignored him, ever. It was suffocating and annoying and lonely. This time he must be dead set on beating that record since their last non-forced conversation was a week and a half ago. 

Hajime hated how unpredictable Oikawa was. He hated how selfish Oikawa was. How petty, rude, and mysterious Oikawa was. As Hajime kept listing things in class, he was starting to realize that maybe he hated Oikawa. It wasn’t a far off assumption. 

How could Hajime hate him, though? After everything? So maybe he didn’t hate Oikawa and maybe he did and maybe that was how they were. 

The worst part of it all is that they don’t have much time left together. Hajime assumed that Oikawa’s doing this again because of their loss to Karasuno, and he understood that. It tore him apart too, he cried over it. The idea of never going to nationals, of never achieving their dream, was like a punch to the gut because it was their shared dream. Soon, they wouldn’t be sharing much of anything with their paths diverging, so he wanted this one thing so much.

But it was unfair of Oikawa to lessen their time because he wasn’t able to make amends with the fact that he won’t be getting a shiny trophy. It was day six when he told Mattsun and Makki that since he was particularly hurt after the one week mark, and so he vented. “He’s so—argh—annoying! Why can’t he be okay with not winning for once?”

Makki snorted, reaching for his water bottle. “That’s what you think this is about?”

“Yeah,” Hajime tried to say confidently, but it sounded more like a question. “What else would it be about?”

Mattsun shot Makki a look and he returned it. Hajime hated how they had conversations with each other like that. Maybe once he and Oikawa were on speaking terms he’d bring up his theory on them being aliens. Oikawa would laugh at that. A real laugh, probably. Hajime wished he could tell him right now.

“I really don’t know how you’re his best friend.”

“Honestly,” Makki said, “I should be his best friend. I’m the one who’s got him figured out.”

“Or me,” Mattsun said.

Hajime was confused and that was the only reason he didn’t punch them. Looking between Dumb and Dumber—he shouldn’t call them that when Oikawa was around, it made himself Dumbest—he tried to figure out what game they were playing. He couldn’t, they had too good of a poker face plus he didn’t even know where to begin. It wasn’t like Mattsun’s face had the answers to all of Oikawa Tooru’s problems written on it. 

He sighed. “Would you mind filling me in then?”

Of course they had to be brats about it. “No, I quite like being Oikawa’s bestie,” Mattsun said, Makki agreeing. 

“It’s not like he’s talking to you two either,” Hajime said. When Oikawa isolated himself from Hajime, he isolated himself from everyone else close to him. Possibly because Mattsun and Makki hang around Hajime, but Hajime thought it might be a little deeper than that. You can’t clear your head with those two idiots around. “Seriously, what’s wrong with him? Just tell me or he’ll keep ruining our last couple of months together.”

That made them sway. Despite what all four of them say, they do like each other. They were best friends. Makki said, “Listen, Iwaizumi. He wouldn’t want us to do that.”

“Why not?” They were both silent. He perked up. “Is it about me?”

Mattsun opened his mouth, but closed it. Hajime took this as an opportunity to push. “So it is about me. What about me then? Hmm, well, the only thing that’s changed recently that would’ve set this off is volleyball, so is he upset that we’re not playing together anymore?”

“Uh.” 

“You couldn’t tell me _that?_ That’s nothing. All right, guys, well I’m going to hunt down Oikawa,” Hajime said as he stood up. “Thanks, I guess. Not that you really helped.”

As he left the classroom, Hajime heard Makki say, “He works those biceps so hard he forgets to exercise his brain muscles,” but decided to ignore it. 

This made sense. What he figured out. Not that he didn’t think Oikawa was upset over them parting ways, he had to be, but nationals was always his big goal for high school and it seemed more appropriate for him to be upset over that. 

Hajime will admit that maybe he deserved to be labeled Dumbest this one time. The more he thought about it, the more he feels stupid for not figuring it out sooner. Hajime had cried into his pillow for a solid five minutes as he thought about never playing with Oikawa again, so why had he assumed Oikawa wouldn’t be distraught over it too? Why did it never cross his mind?

His anger made him dilute Oikawa into this selfish person who only cared about a trophy. 

Oikawa was talking to his fangirls by the bathrooms. Without hesitation, Hajime marched over there and pushed past the girls. Oikawa’s eyes widened comically and he started to turn around, only he was too late because Hajime grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the bathrooms. It was kind of gross, but at least the fangirls couldn’t come in. 

Locking the door, he held onto Oikawa’s wrist and dragged him along as Hajime kicked all the bathroom stalls to make sure they were alone. Once he confirmed they were, he walked back in front of the door with a determined look in his and put his hand over the lock. Oikawa wasn’t leaving until they resolved this. 

Oikawa huffed and squared his shoulders. “Iwa-chan, what—”

This time Hajime interrupted him. “No, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen, okay?” Oikawa’s gaze swept all over his face, as if to size him up, and then he nodded. “Good. First off, it sucks you’re avoiding me. I know you’re going through something, but it hurts me too. You’re my best friend, Tooru. I can’t do this without you.”

Hajime wasn’t sure what he was saying, he decided to say whatever came to mind, and found that it was true. With a frown on his face, Oikawa was looking down. Hajime was going to miss that frown. 

“Second off, we’re not going to the same university. We won’t be spending everyday together or be playing volleyball with each other anymore. And I...I know that that’s why you’re not talking to me. I get it. I’m upset too. But I also want to make the most of what we have left, okay? So can you please stop? You’re making me feel crazy.”

Finished, Hajime fell silent and Oikawa, for once in his life, didn’t fill the space. He looked like a kicked puppy. Hajime didn’t feel bad, it needed to be said, but he also didn’t like the idea of him being the one to put that face on Oikawa. As much as he liked joking about Oikawa’s flaws, that’s all they were. Jokes. 

“Iwa-chan, where did you hear that I…” he trailed off. The dim overhead lights illuminated Oikawa’s face and Hajime could see the texture under his eyes. He was wearing concealer, and that meant he wasn’t sleeping. 

“Mattsun and Makki told me. Or, didn’t tell me.” Oikawa had glabella lines. “They didn’t tell me and I figured it out from that.”

“Yeah...okay,” Oikawa said. He was far away even when Hajime was within three feet of him.

“Okay?”

Oikawa sighed. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair to you when I do this, but I need to think.” Hajime’s hand tightened on the door handle. Quietly, Oikawa said, “You distract me.”

Hajime came to the conclusion that he didn’t know anything anymore. How would he distract Oikawa? “Why don’t you just talk to me about it, dumbass?”

“I can’t.” 

The speed of the reply made Hajime’s blood boil. “What are you talking about? Did you not hear me say that I understand? Because I do, Tooru, I understand.”

“No,” Oikawa insisted, “you don’t. And that’s okay. I’ll stop avoiding you now. Class will start again soon, we should go.”

They were going in circles. Arguing without resolving anything. “Nope. You’re going to tell me what I don’t understand. Seriously,” he said more to himself, “if you think I’m not going to miss you, you’re as dumber than I thought you were.” 

The dumbest.

“I—” he started. Eyes scanning the bathroom, Oikawa made up his mind. “No.”

They looked at each other. The bell rang. When Oikawa reached for the door handle, Hajime let him. 

* * *

After that, Oikawa stopped avoiding him. Hajime almost found it worse. Instead of not seeing him at all, now Hajime had to look at the makeup under his eyes and the dead look in them. Half the time, he wanted to grab a mirror and show Oikawa what he was becoming—or became. 

Oikawa had been right. He doesn’t understand. It’s making him annoyed. 

He wants to confront Oikawa again, but it’ll only go the same way the first one did. Hajime felt something close to regret, he should’ve waited it out. You wait out a storm, you don’t run into it. 

And so Oikawa pretended he was okay and Hajime pretended to be okay with that. Mattsun and Makki knew something was wrong, but like last time, they nor anyone else said anything. 

Volleyball practice wasn’t trivial. They took a break after they lost, and started back a week later. Since they weren’t playing next year, the third years had resigned to helping the first and second years with technique and strategy. Oikawa and Hajime hadn’t even needed to work together much the past week. Sometimes they would show a good set and spike and Hajime heard Oikawa giving a speech about having a special bond with your spiker, but that was about all that happened between them during practice. 

Besides the stares. Hajime found himself looking at Oikawa a lot. Part to figure him out, part to check he was still alive.

The only semblance of normalcy was the whining and pestering and jokes. He was still Oikawa, of course, and Oikawa was first and foremost flashy. Even when looking like he walked out of his own grave, he always managed to throw on a smile and wink.

Hajime wanted to bite him. 

They were walking to morning practice when Hajime snapped. He was thinking about university and talking on the phone and microwaved dinners and sitting in a classroom and meeting new people. Hajime looked at Oikawa’s and his feet, there wasn't much distance between them. If he stuck his hand out, he would be touching Oikawa. They were so close, and then they wouldn’t be.

He stopped walking at that thought because he wanted to scream. Oikawa was so big, he was larger than life, really. If Oikawa was a star, he was the Sun and Hajime was another tiny ball of gas that paled in comparison to the sun. He didn’t want to stop orbiting Oikawa.

If he said that to Oikawa, he would probably say, “Silly, Iwa-chan! Stars don't orbit the sun. When they’re done, they explode.”

Hajime was exploding, then. He knew he was.

So he told Oikawa, “I just want my best friend back.”

“What?” Oikawa said, turning around. 

“You’ve been miles away, Oikawa.” _91.894 million miles away. Like the Sun._ “Ever since the bathroom. I’m not going to ask you about it again, okay? When you want to tell me, you can.” 

He learned his lesson the first time. In a quiet voice, Oikawa said, “What if I never tell you?”

That sent Hajime reeling, _what the fuck was it?_ He didn’t say that, Oikawa might run away if he did, but he wanted to. “Well, uh, two can’t keep a secret, right?”

Oikawa laughed, a real one. Hajime missed him. 

“Doesn’t that mean you’re dead?”

Hajime hummed. “Maybe I am.” Luckily for Hajime, Oikawa didn’t know how dramatic that was. He did just think that he was _exploding_. Mentally, Hajime facepalmed. Usually Oikawa was the over-exaggerator. It was rubbing off. 

(Hajime found he liked that.)

Punching Hajime’s shoulder, Oikawa resumed walking. Things still weren’t great between them, after all it usually took a month for them to be normal, but they weren’t tense anymore. Hajime no longer felt tight in the chest at the thought of Oikawa. 

* * *

Hajime felt tight in the chest at the thought of Oikawa.

It was the side effect of being friends with dumb people, he thought. Now, a month later, things were good. They’ve been practicing together and Oikawa even had the idea of revisiting the places they love before leaving. Hanging out was comfortable and easy, if not a bit sad. But Hajime knew he should’ve murdered Mattsun and Makki when he had the chance. 

Afternoon practice had started to feel repetitive with nothing to work towards, and Hajime brought that up to Makki. Who then called Mattsun over. He said that they were going to people watch from the sidelines. 

Hajime should’ve known they were up to something, but he was bored. So. At first they talked about Yahaba’s obvious feelings for Kyotani, even when he spiked a ball directly into Yahaba’s head. Then Mattsun made a conspiracy theory about Kunimi secretly being a part of the Yakuza. Then, to Hajime’s dismay, Makki said into his ear, “Would you look at that guy over there?”

Makki was looking at Oikawa. Hajime didn’t know what he meant by that, so he said, “Yeah, looks like an idiot.”

Mattsun waved him off, “Yeah, yeah, but look—” Hajime looked at Oikawa, he was bending over to pick up a volleyball, back to them, “Look at that ass.”

“Seriously, from this angle...wow. He looks like he’d be picked on for having a flat ass, but I think whoever his friends are are just looking at it wrong. He clearly does squats.”

“So juicy.”

“So plump.”

“So—”

“Stop!” Hajime yelled. Heads turned his way. It was hot. He was hot. “This is—it’s weird. Stop.” 

Mattsun and Makki took one look at his face and laughed so hard that Oikawa himself came over. “What are you guys doing to my dear Iwa-chan?” They only laughed harder. “Hmpf, well then. Iwa-chan, come spike my sets?”

 _Iwa-chan_ was not in the mentality to spike his sets. “Not now, Shittykawa. I need to use the bathroom.” The idiots got a kick out of that too and were now holding onto each other as they laughed. “Shut up.”

Oikawa tilted his head like a dog. Hajime walked to the bathroom.

* * *

Hajime’s mother announced that Oikawa was here. He waited to hear a weight come up the steps, but it never did. Hauling himself out of his chair, he walked downstairs to see what Oikawa wanted. Usually Hajime would at least get a text before he came over. No text meant that something serious happened or Oikawa had a surprise for Hajime. Or he forgot, but Oikawa doesn’t forget things.

At the bottom of the stairs was Oikawa. He was smiling, crows feet and all, and holding up a picnic basket. Hajime was going to miss Oikawa and the tightness in his chest. 

When he reached Oikawa, he told him so. Not about the tightness in his chest, but that he was going to miss him. Oikawa smiled wider and ruffled Hajime’s hair. “I’m not dying, Iwa-chan.”

“I know,” he said, taking the picnic basket out of his hands, “but it’ll be different. Actually, maybe this is a good thing. I won’t have to see your ugly face anymore.”

Oikawa scoffed. “Rude, Iwa-chan! I’ll just have to be sure to put a picture of me in every pocket of your bags.”

“That seems dramatic.”

“Can’t have you forgetting how gorgeous my face is, can I?”

“Guess not,” Hajime hummed. He opened the door for Oikawa and him. “Where are we going?”

“Uh, the park.”

“Specific.” Hajime laughed.

“You know which park, Iwa-chan. I figured we could go there for a stop on ‘Oikawa and Iwa-chan’s Final Tour of Their Lives.’ It’s where we spent most of our childhood, after all.” 

“Good point,” Hajime said. “Go get a volleyball.”

“Why me?” Oikawa pouted.

He dangled the picnic basket in front of Oikawa’s face. “I’m holding the picnic basket.”

“You _took_ it from me!” In tandem with Oikawa reaching for the basket, Hajime pulled it back.

“Go, Lazykawa. There’s one in the backyard. I’ll wait for you.”

Oikawa grumbled as he walked through the house to the back. Waiting on the porch, Hajime looked into the basket. Inside were assorted favorites between the two, but what caught his eyes was a green sticky note. Written on it in Oikawa’s infuriatingly neat handwriting was a list of all of Hajime’s favorite foods. He smiled.

Yeah, it’ll be different.

  
  


Oikawa was being distant again. They had reached the park and decided to eat before they play volleyball or look for bugs like they used to. Turns out there was a blanket—it was one of Oikawa’s old ones, Hajime recognized it instantly—under the food, so they were sitting on that as Hajime talked about a movie he wanted to see. Oikawa wasn’t listening. 

Hajime snapped directly in front of his face. “If I knew you weren’t going to pay attention, I would’ve just made it ‘Iwa-chan’s Final Tour of His Life’ and leave you out of it.”

Gaping, faux shock was on Oikawa’s face. “You wouldn’t dare?”

“I would. But I won’t if you tell me what’s got you thinking so hard. I’m pretty sure your brain isn’t supposed to do that, with how small it is.”

“At least I’m able to think,” Oikawa said, voice almost a whisper. His chin was pressed against his chest, and Hajime realized how young he looked. Unfortunately, he was still wearing the concealer, which Hajime didn’t really understand because he didn’t need to be impressed, but other than that he was so childish. Paired with light jeans, Oikawa was wearing a baby blue button down and a leather friendship bracelet on his right wrist. Hajime hadn’t noticed that before either, when had Oikawa started wearing that again? 

Hajime and Oikawa each got one from their parents for Christmas when they were thirteen, but after three months of wearing them, people caught on that they were wearing the same bracelet and teased them about it. As far as Hajime knew, neither had worn it since. But here Oikawa was.

“Talk to me,” Hajime said, putting down his tofu. 

Oikawa sighed and spoke without looking Hajime in the eyes. “I’ll just miss you. Us. This. I think I took it for granted last year.”

“I’ll always be a call away. And, hey, the universities are only a couple hours apart by train, right?” 

Hajime intended to make things better by saying that, but Oikawa’s face only fell. He didn’t reply after that, and Hajime again felt like he was missing an important detail.

Oikawa Tooru was a human puzzle.

Later, once they finished eating, oddly quietly, Hajime stood up with the volleyball in hand. “Lets see if you can play or if you’re only useful to keep the mosquitos off me.”

A warm, knowing grin formed on Oikawa’s face. “Oh,” he said, replicating his younger self, “I’ll have you know I am going to be the best volleyball player in the world, Iwa-chan. And I’m just sweeter than you, so take that.”

Hajime chuckled. “You never changed.”

“Sure I did.” And perhaps that was true too.

  
  


They tossed it back and forth until the sun went down. The only noise was ball against skin and the crickets singing until Oikawa caught the volleyball instead of receiving it and declared, “We forgot to look for bugs. So we’re looking at stars.”

Hajime rolled his eyes, but he didn’t care. His arms were hurting and Oikawa was starting to get a little bit pink and stopping sounded like a wonderful idea.

When Hajime reached the _Star Wars_ blanket, Oikawa was already laying back on it. Hajime flicked him on the nose, causing him to make a throaty sound. “ _Iwa-chan._ ”

All the way from their shoulders to their hips they were touching. Hajime could hold Oikawa’s hand easily. If he wanted to. 

He’s not sure he knows what he wants. Not that he gets any time to think about it, because Oikawa shifts his hand so that he’s pointing at the stars. Hajime is sure he’s saying something, but he can’t hear it over the beat of his heart. 

His eyes are trained on Oikawa’s hand.

It’s weird, this feeling. It’s heavy and consuming and weird. Hajime’s been feeling it lately, but he doesn’t know if he’ll bring it up. He’s not even sure it is anything at all. From his perspective, it looks like he’s sad about leaving behind his whole life which includes leaving behind his best friend. 

_It’s bittersweet,_ he thinks. _Time._ On one hand you’re moving towards new things, but away from old ones. Hopefully his and Oikawa’s friendship will evolve. He would never leave Oikawa, and Oikawa would never leave him, he knows that, but he would hate for time to change them.

No, he can’t think that way. Why would he assume the worst when he has no reason to. 

And why is he so damn obsessed with Oikawa. They’re best friends, he needs to stop thinking about him. 

“—think it’s so neat how people can name stars. Like, I want a star named after me. Oh! Maybe I’ll do that one day. That would be so cool.”

Hajime said, “No star would want to be named after you, Shittykawa.”

“You know what?” Oikawa looked at him but they were so close that Hajime didn’t want to look back. “I’m glad we’re not going to the same place. I will be overjoyed to be rid of your insults.”

“I specifically remember you saying that you were going to miss me a few hours ago.”

It was almost sad how Hajime couldn’t recognize any of the stars anymore. He knew it was always more of Oikawa’s thing, but they would spend hours with a book of constellations and craning their necks at the formations as if they held the secrets to the universe. They were only stars to him, now, when they used to be so much more. 

Oikawa looked away from Hajime, biting down on his lip. “Yeah.”

Because Hajime didn’t know what to say, he didn’t say anything. Instead he moved his gaze up and up until his head was in the clouds and Oikawa Tooru was sitting cross-legged in front of him, stars in his eyes and constellations in his hands.

  
  


The Oikawa from his dream and the Oikawa in real life were very different. The real one was incredibly annoying. “Okay, okay, I’m up.”

“Can’t believe Iwa-chan fell asleep on the ground _."_ He tsked. “And he says I’m the one who needs to sleep more. Unbelievable.” 

“You’re just boring.”

Oikawa gasped as he stuffed the blanket into the picnic basket. “Am _not._ ”

“Are too,” Hajime said, lying. Oikawa was the most interesting person he knew, but there was no reason to feed his ego. Then he would become insufferable. 

Apparently Oikawa let him doze for half an hour, but it was getting too dark and their parents were bound to wonder where they were. It was nice of Oikawa to let him sleep. Hajime liked Oikawa best when he was nice. 

“Why do you insist on being rude to me, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked. He raised his voice like he was teasing, but Hajime felt there was something serious about the question. The blanket wouldn’t fit into the basket with the way Oikawa was trying to force it in, so he was still crouched down, back faced towards Hajime. 

Sighing, Hajime bent down and took the blanket out of Oikawa’s hands. He folded it, then returned the blanket. When Hajime slept over, he and Oikawa would lay under it and pretend the stars on the blanket were in their room. “Because that’s how we are.”

Oikawa picked at the grass. “What if I don’t want us to be like that?” 

He rose and grabbed the picnic basket, walking away from Hajime and towards their childhood homes. Catching up to him, Hajime intended to ask what that meant, but Oikawa launched into an explanation of some fable he read about the moon, and Hajime thought about Oikawa’s hands.

  
  


High school was over in a month. For all he knew, this would be his last chance to sleep over before they move away, so when Oikawa asked if he would stay, Hajime said yes. 

Oikawa’s mom greeted them on the way in and then they went upstairs. Hajime had texted his mother on the walk back after Oikawa asked him. They were alone again.

Their last sleepover was at Hajime’s house a couple days before they went to Inter-high. It was filled with bubbling anxiety and late night conversations about the matches they watched.

Oikawa was obsessing over Ushijima’s technique like usual, and if Hajime could go back to that night he would tell Oikawa that it wouldn’t even matter. They never made it that far, they should’ve just gone to bed. Dreamed about something other than volleyball for a change.

This time, they did go to sleep. Kind of. Oikawa had given Hajime clothes, something they had done before when he didn’t have any, and then went to the bathroom. Waiting, Hajime sat with his legs folded on the floor. By the time Oikawa came back, Hajime had his cheek pressed into his palm, eyes closed. 

Oikawa demanded they go to sleep immediately because his Iwa-chan was tired and _someone_ has to take care of him. Hajime agreed, he was feeling tired and was half asleep anyways.

That changed quickly. “For old times’ sake,” Oikawa suggested they share the bed. It was a tiny bed. Hajime said to him, “You’re insane,” but Oikawa had gone to get the futon, Hajime told him not to bother. Stupidly enough, there was a pleased look on Oikawa’s face when he said that.

Hajime was wide awake. Despite falling asleep on the ground and on his palm quickly, now that he was in a bed—which, notably, had Oikawa in it too—he couldn’t sleep at all. Backs touching, the weight in Hajime’s chest had shifted to his spine. 

Oikawa was so amazing, that was the sentence in Hajime’s mind. He was amazing and strong and brave. When they were younger, Hajime wanted to keep the bugs they found until they inevitably died. Part of him wanted to look at their colors and patterns forever, even if it meant killing them. But Oikawa said no, he said, “That’s just wrong, Iwa-chan. We need to let them live and hope we see them again.” They did hope, and it was much rare to find their bug friends twice, but it was okay because they got to live. Hajime didn’t think he was brave enough to let things go.

He should be letting these feelings go. Let them fall from his heart and down to his feet. Like a rotten apple, they should be picked up from the ground and discarded; the tree was bad in the first place. All his life, Hajime had never felt things so deeply. He didn’t know what was happening. 

It wasn’t normal to think about Oikawa so much. He wanted to scream. These thoughts were eating him alive. His heart, his spine, his feet. They were rotting and they were eating and they were falling and Hajime could feel Oikawa through his shirt. Something was happening and it wasn’t the pressure of going away to university. It had to be much bigger than that. 

He was simple and Oikawa made him complicated. Or whatever this was did. 

“Hey, Iwa-chan?” He hummed. “I need to tell you something.”

Behind him, Oikawa turned around so that he was facing Hajime’s back. A part of his brain told him to turn around, give Oikawa something to stare at other than his back, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t.

“Yeah?”

Oikawa’s breathing was starting to pick up, Hajime could hear it. Then, he felt a pressure on his back. It was the pad of a finger, then a whole hand grabbing Hajime’s shirt. 

Somewhere a tree branch was snapping, breaking. Oikawa took a deep breath. “Hajime, I—I love you.” 

There was no time to process that, Oikawa kept repeating. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Everything was starting to click into place. Oikawa’s actions, his weirdness, and the monster in Hajime’s stomach. This—this Hajime never thought of, but it made so much sense. 

He finally, _finally_ looked at Oikawa. Tears were in his eyes. Hajime was so close he could wipe the tears off his face, so he did. It was that simple again. 

As Hajime slid his gaze to him, he felt Oikawa could eat his heart out with a spoon. He didn’t know if he loved Oikawa, not in the way he meant, but there was no denying that Hajime could be. 

Then there was the fact that Oikawa loved _him._ Thinking about it, saying the words in his head made him glow. Oikawa loved him. 

Oikawa was scared, though, Hajime could see it in his eyes and he wanted to make it go away. 

They were so close, really. Hajime wanted Oikawa to smile, but his lips weren’t. They were incredibly close. 

Before he knew what he was doing, Hajime leant in. His eyes closed, because they were close but not close enough and Oikawa should be smiling and Hajime didn’t want him to be afraid anymore. 

His lips touched Oikawa’s, their breaths danced, and he was feeling so much all at once. But then there was a hand on his chest and Oikawa whispered, “I’m going to Argentina.” 

Hajime’s eyes snapped open, Oikawa kept his closed. “What?”

Oikawa’s hands were holding Hajime’s shirt. His breathing was hard, both of theirs were. “I got offered a spot on a team in Argentina. I accepted.”

The love confession surprised Hajime, but this made him short-circuit. “What?”

“I didn’t tell you,” Oikawa said, opening his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think—you just, you…”

“Oikawa, what are you saying?” 

He bit his lip and furrowed his eyebrows. Carefully, he spoke. “Everyone says that I’m selfish, but I’m not. I’m not selfish with you.”

Oikawa moved one of his hands to Hajime’s cheek. 

“I’m going to Argentina,” he repeated. “And I don’t think we should do this. Not—not just, um, how you kissed me, or were going to, but any of it.”

Hajime felt himself getting angry. What was Oikawa saying? “You said you love me.”

It was scary how easy Hajime accepted that as fact.

A determined look settled on Oikawa’s face, along with a rosy blush and eye bags. He usually had the same one when thinking about volleyball, not Hajime. “I do, which is why I’m saying this. When I go to Argentina and you go to university, Iwa-chan, I want you to promise not to call me. Don’t text me, don’t anything.”

“But—but why?” Hajime felt his heart breaking, maybe it wasn’t just a branch.

“I have to do something without you.” He sighed. “And I don’t want you to wait for me, or for me to wait for you. I’ve thought about it a lot, though I didn’t think you would kiss me. I wanted to get it off my chest before I left, and I was going to tell you about Argentina when you kissed me. Now I definitely know that it’s the right thing to do. 

What if you meet a girl, Iwa-chan? I don’t want you passing opportunities to be happy because of me. That’s—no, that’s not what should happen. I want you to be happy.” Oikawa smiled at him. 

Hajime shifted from his side to his back, palms violently pressing into his eyes. He was crying as Oikawa ripped him apart. There was no way he could survive four—or _more_ —years without Oikawa, it wouldn’t be possible. They’ve been side by side since they were born, attached to the hip. Hell, they were currently attached to the other’s hip in Oikawa’s childhood bed as they had been many times before. 

“You make me happy.” And insane and angry and confused. His voice cracked, “I want—” He cut himself off. He didn’t know what he wanted, but it wasn’t this. 

Oikawa fell onto his back too, they were touching all the way from their shoulders to their hips. There was nothing Hajime could do, he was helpless. Oikawa had made up his mind and decided this for him, for them. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to either,” Oikawa said, “but it’s what’s best.”

It was silent for a minute or a lifetime. “You never did say that we would only be a couple hours by train.”

Turns out, Oikawa _was_ the Sun, and 91.894 million miles is not a distance coverable by train, either.

**Author's Note:**

> Oikawa is a character cherished in my heart, so I will put him through the ringer. There were quite a few references to other things in here, such as:
> 
> 1) The title of the chapter is lyrics from Hard Feelings/Loveless by Lorde
> 
> 2) Iwa is confronting Oikawa in the bathroom and two of the lines are from Izzie's speech to Casey in Atypical s3 ep7
> 
> 3) Iwa is looking at Oikawa's hand when they're stargazing and I was thinking about that Richard Siken quote from Anyway. "He was pointing at the moon but I was looking at his hand." Oikawa also mentions a fable about the moon.
> 
> 4) "Oikawa could eat his heart out with a spoon" is referencing a line from Amelie by Teddy Hyde 
> 
> 5) This isn't very relevant but Iwa says to Oikawa "You're insane" and it's supposed to have the same energy as the tumblr post that's like "your dad looks gnc af" "you're insane" so there's that :/
> 
> 6) It may be too on the nose but the entirety of the 'there was one bed' scene was just Pink in the Night by Mitski. went feral with that one apologies
> 
> I'm on tumblr at [parrishism](https://parrishism.tumblr.com/). Say hi or tell me your thoughts or scream at me if you'd like!!


End file.
